Save Me
by BigFan4242
Summary: He needed me, he needed me finally after 4 darn years. He needed me to save him to help him out in this situation. To help him feel better and safe and that was everything was going to be ok, but was it really?
1. Beginings

**Title: Save Me**

**Author: The one the only *trumpet plays* Bigfan4242!**

**Pairing(s): Logan/Carlos, Kendall/James :)**

**Ratings: PG-13? PG-14? **

**Warning(s): I don't really know any…. For now. Language I guess? Uh themes?**

**Disclaimer- All fiction blah, Not my original characters blah, Storyline and OCs of this fic mine blah. Also I'm not saying Logan Henderson and Carlos Pena (Jr.) are gay.**

**Author's Note: None really. I hope you enjoy!**

**Mood: Happy but aching ;)**

**Listening to- Story-Maroon 5 (BEST BAND EVAR!!)**

**  
_LOGAN'S POV_**

I sighed stuffing my hands into my pockets. I looked around looking at the sights that were in my surroundings. The sky already faded away to it's usual dark purple state that meant night time. The stores and shops were all closed as all the bustle of city life was..._ dead_. It shocked me that I capable to see all these things especially since I just got back from the bar after having 2.. uh... 4 beers? I don't know, but I'm usually drunk through my 1st one so it shocked me I was still able to walk right now. I began to feel my body fall as I tried staying up. Just a few more steps to our apartment I though to myself, just a few more steps. I took in a deep breath closing my eyes for a sec. Wait a second I mean MY apartment, just a few steps to MY apartment. Yes mine, the one I've been living in for the past 3 years. That's right.

_Drip... Drip... Drip_

I pulled my hood on over my head glancing at the sidewalk as a million little drops of water fell.

"Damn it." I growled under my breath as it began to rain. I felt my skin tingle each moment the rain touched it as I tried to cover any part of my body that was still out in the open. I just wanted to go home. Go to my nice, soft couch and just fall asleep for hopefully forever. I had a hard day of work today damn it and I was just tired. Work was hard today even though I did the same thing I do everyday. Smoke as much smack as my co-worker bought and to try to hide that fact I was freaking high in front of my boss.

He almost found out though, and as usual I'm almost out of another job like the dead beat I am.

I felt even more droplets of water fall as I began to quicken up my steps. I needed to get out of this rain before I got sick. I felt my legs go faster and faster each step.

_Boom!_ I felt my body jump as a hand began to pull me backwards. I didn't know what was going on since the wooziness of those beers kicked in, but I was still sane enough to know this was bad. I glanced up to my captor but everything seemed like a darn tie dye shirt. I sighed as they began to push me into some car.

"W-who are you?" I managed to mumble. But I sounded drunken and scared.

_Well I was._

"Silly, silly Logan." the voice said, it sounded sweet and trusting like the person you'd trust your life too. But it scared me who it could of been, "Your drunk aren't you?" it began to giggle as I felt a pair of lips kiss me. I tried pushing them away but they giggled even more.

"W-what are you doing?" I began to yell as their giggles turned to full on laughs

"Nothing Logan, why are you so scared? I'm not here going to hurt you. I promise. Why don't you just calm down? I know work was hard today just relax." they whispered kissing my cheek. I pushed them away as they gave me a frustrated groan. I sighed fumbling with the door looking for the handle, "Don't try it." they threatened as I tried to look for the handle even more, I just wanted to get out before things got worse. But this person had more in planned, "I said don't do it damn it!" they bellowed angrily. They grabbed my arm making me look at them straight in the eyes. I finally realized my captor was female with her long, blonde hair and delicate female facial features. I sighed standing still so she wouldn't get even more frustrated, "You listen and you listen good you fucking druggie, beer addict! You try to scream or resist or anything I'll fucking kill you you understand?" I froze with fear just staring at her, "I told you I wasn't going to hurt you but if you leave me no choice I will. You got that?" she yelled as I nodded. She let a groan right before she began kissing my lips again and undressing me.

And this time I didn't, no I _couldn't _stop her.

**So what do you think? Was it a good or bad prologue? :)**

**To Be Continued...**


	2. All Your Fault

**Title: Save Me**

**Author: The one the only *trumpet plays* Bigfan4242!**

**Pairing(s): Logan/Carlos, Kendall/James :)**

**Ratings: PG-13? PG-14? **

**Warning(s): I don't really know any…. For now. Language I guess? Uh themes?**

**Disclaimer- All fiction blah, Not my original characters blah, Storyline and OCs of this fic mine blah. Also I'm not saying Logan Henderson and Carlos Pena (Jr.) are gay.**

**Author's Note: None really. I hope you enjoy!**

**Mood: Sorta happy sorta sad. Very tired though :P**

**Listening to- Nothing oddly...**

**Awkward as this is, I got this idea while listening to Renegade-Styx (Danny Gokey and Kris Allen cover though) while being bored to death by shopping... I don't know.**

_**Carlos's POV**_

I adjusted my body a bit trying to lay on the puny little couch we owned. My body ached like crazy after trying to sleep on this damn puny thing. I soon began to grow frustrated as I got up and began to sit up straight resting my head onto my lap. _If you didn't fucking leave us we wouldn't be here_, I thought to myself. I almost blamed everything on him. James's beer addiction, why we live in this crap shack, all 3 of us trying to survive in the midst of LA life. Everything horrible that's happened to our lives, it was all his fault. All his fault for leaving us.

"Hey Carlos." I turned. James was at the door sending me a weary smile. His clothes and his hair were messy and crumpled. He didn't look like the James Diamond everyone knew before, but he was.

"Hey James." I answered, "You fuck someone up again?"

"Maybe." he replied slightly angry. He glided his fingers through his hair patting them down to straighten it a bit, "What's up with you?"

"Nothing. Where's Kendall?"

"Work." he replied again walking across the room to the bathroom. He slammed the door shut as the sound of sniffling sobs went through my eardrums. After he left Kendall and James decided to tell the world they were gay, and that they loved each other. I truly accepted that knowing how hard it must of been to lie to the world everyday about their relationship. Sadly though Griffin, Gustavo, and the recording company disagreed and dropped Big Time Rush from the label. Now Kendall, James, and I live in a fucking horrible apartment with barely anything, and the only source of money we have is by begging on the streets and letting people "fuck us up."

Even Katie who was know now 16, had to livewith us as well. Ms. Knight tragically got sick after the incident and is barely able to even pick up a spoon. We had to send her to a hospital to be well treated and cared for since we couldn't do ourselves.

Hey he was the medicine nerd, not us.

Katie barely spoke to anyone one of us but Kendall now a days too. And each time we'd try to talk to her we'd just get one word replies like "Yes." "No." "Ok." It'd be a miracle just for her to say something like "I don't know" or to even speak in general. The incident really hit her hard, and I felt extremely sorry for her.

And as usual I blamed this on him too.

"C-Carlos?" I head a voice stutter. It was quiet, scared, and very soft almost like a whisper. I glanced behind me as Katie sent me a tiny smile, "W-who was there?"

"James." I replied to her. Katie wasn't the same little girl I remembered 3 years ago. She grew out of her child state and now became a fully grown young adult. She started dressing into darker clothes and her face seemed to be gloomier and gloomier everyday. Kendall always told us how worried he was for her, especially since he saw her buying pot at the corner for "some friends."

"I-Is Kendall h-home y-yet?" she asked her brown eyes shining brightly even with all the darkness in our apartment.

We couldn't afford lights either. Oh joy another reason why I hated him.

"Uh, no Katie. But he'll back soon." I told her trying to lessen her fear, "I think he's visiting your mom. What's up?" she bit her bottom lip obviously not wanting to start a conversation with me. I grinned trying to loosen her up a bit.

"Nothing." she finally said. Another one worded answer I see. I sighed as she quickly retreated back to our room. We only had one room out of this whole apartment. One tiny room for all four of us to sleep in. Exactly why I slept on the couch a lot, like I could get any sleep in that cramped up bedroom. I quickly glanced at the stand right next to me grabbing the first thing I saw. It was yellow notebook with a bunch of circles on it. Each one having a different kind of writing or doodle on it like _Big Time Rush rules _or stuff like that. I smiled remembering those good memories opening the book to the first page. Ever since he left I've been trying to force myself to write a song about it, not letting it get to me. But his departure just messed everything up. My heart, my mind, and my feelings just all got ruined. I looked down at the utterly blank page reading the first and only word on it.

_Logan._

The very first thing that came to my mind after he left. I wasn't angry with him, just frustrated for what he did. I never wanted to see him again because if I did I'd probably have to be put on a leash.

_Ring… Ring… Ring…_

I groaned trying to lift my body up from it's self pitying and answer the dusty, plastic, blue, 25 cent phone we found at some garage sale.

"Hello?" I answered slightly tired and annoyed. I just wanted this person to say something like "Oops wrong number" or "Is your refrigerator running" and just hang up. But they didn't, instead I heard the sound of weeping and heavy breathing. This person was crying.

"Anyone there?" I answered again as the weeping stopped, "Who's speaking?"

"C-Carlos?" they whispered softly. The voice was quick and raspy obviously trying to catch it's breath. I recognized the voice easily feeling the feel of joy and anger enter my body.

"Yeah, is this Logan?" I wondered hoping it wasn't. Crap I didn't want to even hear him anymore.

"Y-yeah." he answered, "H-how's it going?" Immediately I would of answered "How's it going? How do you think it's going jackass." but instead I took in a deep breath and replied differently.

"Okay I guess. How about you?" he began to sigh as I heard him weeping again.

"It's not good Carlos." he replied, "Is Kendall and James there?" I turned to the door still hearing James's crying.

"No they're at work, what's wrong?"

"Well I don't know how all this happened but I'm in some prison right now. I don't know why and I don't what to do but I need you right now Carlos." I heard him crying breathing heavily again, "I'm scared buddy, please help me."

And at those final words I felt myself crying letting worry enter my body.

**To Be Continued…**


	3. Why Am Even Here?

**Title: Save Me**

**Author: The one the only *trumpet plays* Bigfan4242!**

**Pairing(s): Logan/Carlos, Slight Kendall/James :)**

**Ratings: PG-13? PG-14? **

**Warning(s): I don't really know any…. For now. Language I guess? Uh themes?**

**Disclaimer- All fiction blah, Not my original characters blah, Storyline and OCs of this fic mine blah. Also I'm not saying Logan Henderson and Carlos Pena (Jr.) are gay. I'm implying….**

**Mood: Happy, slightly sad :) My arms hurt, Grr...**

**Listening to: Lips of An Angel- Lee Dewyze cover. (My favorite for Idol season 9. He's cute and I love his Alt. Rocker genre. Hope he makes it far)**

**Author's Note: Finally I have part of this planned! So I'm super excited for what's going to happen next. If your curious to know just PM me for spoilers.**

**CARLOS' POV**

I began to walk to the prison trying to think over what Logan told me. All of this just didn't seem real, almost a dream. Which was what I wish this was. Just a dream. That I was asleep and 16 again sleeping in a super nice apartment back in the Palm Woods with James, Jo, Kendall, Camille, The Jennifers, and Logan all waiting for me down at the pool once I woke up.

But I've wished for that to happen for the past fucking 3 years, and still I was stuck in this nightmare.

I took in a deep breath as each step I took made my body even more tired. I didn't get much sleep with the horrible crap shack and "job." I had. Plus the fact I had to walk everywhere I went didn't make things any better.

Seriously everyday was a day filled with depression, gloom, and anger. It really surprised me I wasn't even dead already. Either of exhaustion, getting murdered by one of my "clients", or even committing suicide. Which made me somewhat proud of myself for withstanding this life and trying to keep my family together for as long as possible.(Hey Kendall, James, and Katie are practically like my family) I made a left turn remembering his whimpering and fear stricken words come through my ears as soon as I picked up the phone after dropping it earlier.

_"Logan what do you mean prison? You wouldn't even take a penny we found on the street!" I yelled in the phone. I just couldn't believe it. Logan was like a freaking saint not really the jail bird you'd regularly think someone was._

_"I-I don't know how I got here." he stuttered before sobbing again letting shrieks of pain, "J-Just help me please. I-I had no one else to call. I-I found your number at the park a couple weeks ago an-"_

_"You saw that?" I whispered feeling the dignity that was once inside of me disappear. Though there wasn't really much left, "Oh crap."_

_"D-don't worry I've d-done worse." he laughed trying to make a joke when I couldn't, "But can you please come here. I need you Carlos. P-please..."_

Of course I would answered him something like, Why should I? For all the crap you gave us why should I help you when you didn't help us? But instead I just asked for directions and wounded up here, walking in the cold wanting to secretly see the one person I was utterly frustrated with.

**LOGAN'S POV**

I took a glance at the policeman watching me before slamming the phone on the table. He gave me a disappointed stare his face filled with shame. I quickly turned my head away from him assuming he did this with everyone.

"Why am I here?" I blurted still unknown why I was even here. He furrowed an eyebrow taking a deep breath his eyes staring my down practically burning my skin like lazars.

"Statutory rape." he mouthed his moustache bouncing up and down each letter, "Ms. Carolyn Houston came in here this morning. Apparently when she stopped at a red light you came into her car and attacked her. She was only 17 at the time, under the legal age of sexual intercourse in California."

"But I never did that. I would of remembered if I raped someone." I replied to him slightly angry. He let out a growl.

"You were fucking drunk, of course you wouldn't remember."

"But I didn't do anything. This was just a mistake!" I yelled this time as he got up slamming his chair into his desk. Quickly he grabbed a chunk of my shirt lifting me slightly off the ground. His face was just a few inches from mine and his already shame filled face now turned even more sour. "You bastard." he growled spitting on the floor, "You know how many criminals I see in a day? A ton. But the ones who disgust me the most are the ones like you. You realize what you stole from that poor girl? You realize you could never give back to her, never." You know I was a fan of your little band. I was seriously proud of you boys for the great things and examples you gave people. You were role models. But now I'm utterly disgusted with you four. Especially you." he slowly put me down letting go of my shirt positioning his eyes towards the cell behind him. I quickly glanced that way trying to avoid his eyes.

"Now get in you cell, or I'll beat the crap out of you until you do."

**CARLOS'S POV**

By the time I got there the rain just got even worse. Instead of worrying just about getting sick by the pouring rain I had to worry about getting hit fucking lightening and dying right in the middle of the road.

Well hey that's California for you.

I quickly ran as fast as I could until I reached the prison, actually happy to go inside and jus so I could be away from this fucking horrible weather. The whole place was filled with this feeling of melancholy and depression, happiness was sorta sucked out of here. I began to walk closer inside blending in with the mood of this horrible place.

"Who are you?" a gruffy, average, aged man asked angrily. He obviously he knew who I was, but he just wanted to know why I was here.

And quite frankly I wanted to know what I was doing here as well.

"I'm Carlos Garcia." I told him, "I'm looking for Logan Mitchell, he called me." I quickly shut my eyes knowing this was probably some prank and Logan wasn't even here. I mean seriously Logan in jail? Yeah right.

"He's right there." he replied to me adding a nasty growl at the end. He led me towards the cells before landing at one right in front of his desk. Logan was there oddly. Guess this was real.

"Mitchell. Visitor." Officer Jackass bellowed as I looked at him angrily. He opened the door of the cell as Logan smiled tackling me into a hug. His arms squeezing my body tight as I placed my left arm on his back patting it. He let out a sigh before sobbing again into my shirt.

"Hey buddy, why are you here?" I asked as he just continued to cry harder. Words were coming out, but I barely understood them. I took another glance at Officer Jackass who was staring at us in disgust. I furrowed an eyebrow as he nodded knowing I wanted an answerer.

"He's in here for statutory rape." he answered. The words sounded familiar to me, but I couldn't just put how "Otherwise know as rape of an underage. This case a young girl."

And with that, I never saw Logan the same way again.

**What do you think will happen next? **

**To Be Continued…**


	4. You Sick, Sick Person

**Title: Save Me**

**Author: The one the only *kick awesome acoustic guitar solo plays* Bigfan4242!**

**Pairing(s): Logan/Carlos, Slight Kendall/James :)**

**Ratings: PG-13? PG-14? **

**Warning(s): I don't really know any…. For now. Language I guess? Uh themes?**

**Disclaimer- All fiction blah, Not my original characters blah, Storyline and OCs of this fic mine blah. Also I'm not saying Logan Henderson and Carlos Pena (Jr.) are gay.**

**Mood: Sleepy enough to sleep, awake enough to dance and sing to American Idol songs.**

**Listening to: Through the Fire - Siobhan Magnus (As much as I don't listen to this song, Siobhan's studio cover is pretty great. I can't believe she left. But Lee's still on. Go Lee DeWyze!)**

**Author's Note: Well checking out my stories I realized I haven't updated in like 5? 4 weeks so I was like 'Hey, I should update.' Sorry for the wait guys I've had this BAD case of writer's block I'm going to blame everything on (He ate the cookies in the cookie jar! Or she... is writer's block a he or she? Hmm...) But yeah. I hope you enjoy!**

_**LOGAN'S POV**_

I let out a soft breath placing an hand underneath my chin. It was pretty boring here ever since I decided to calm down and face the facts. The reality of what was going to happen. The fact that no one wanted to help me out of this situation and that I was probably going to be trialed as guilty and die rotting in this damn cell. As much as I wanted to believe it wasn't going to happen, it probably will. And facing it now will be better than lying to myself. Carlos definitely wouldn't be coming here anytime soon, doubt he wanted anything to do with me. By the way he called me a 'sick bastard' and tried to punch me in the face I truly doubt it. I swear if I ever saw that girl again I would wish she would realize how much pain, suffering, and torture she put me in right now.

"Mitchell visitor." the warden told me. He still hated my guts, and I didn't mind actually. He stopped grabbing me by my collars of my shirts and cursing into my face, so that was good. Realizing this wasn't probably Carlos I hunched my back even lower not even daring to even look up at whoever wanted to see me.

"It's a special guest Mitchell. Very rare. Say hello." Jackass warden man told me again as I narrowed my eyes slightly upwards to see who it was. My back still hunched and my face filled with gloom. It was a girl, with blonde wavy hair and big gray eyes. She looked oddly familiar but I didn't know why.

"Hello Logan." she started waving slightly. She was quite a distance away from me, like I was going to kill her something, "How are you?"

I wasn't going to answer.

"Mitchell. Go answer this girl, it's the least you can do." the Jackass warden yelled over as I shook my head rolling my eyes. She giggled softly to herself as I looked up.

"Crappy as ever. That okay?'

"Oh Logan, I know it sucks. But you put this upon yourself."

"Yeah fucking right." I hissed under my breath, "The girl I 'raped' did this to me."

"I didn't do anything." she replied gasping before so. A stupid little gasp like the ones you hear peppy, girly girls make in those cheesy high school movies. Quickly I widened my eyes realizing who she was. The voice, the laugh, the blonde hair. It was all the characteristics the girl who raped me. It was her, she was back, what did she want from me?

"You're the one who did it?" I questioned as she furrowed an eyebrow making another stupid gasp. Even more annoying than the last.

"Do what? Logan your crazier than I thought." she whispered taking a small step back. Good thing, even though it was against my nature I would of strangled her on the spot.

"I'm not crazy. You are, framing me for nothing." I hissed again as she rolled her eyes giggling twirling a piece of hair onto her finger.

"I didn't do anything." she lied again looking all innocent. No wonder why no one believed she did this to me. She was little miss sweet and kind the person you would never expect to rape someone two years older than her. Fuck I almost thought she was cute, but then I remembered what she did, "You know I came here to tell you I forgive you. But I guess you don't want that."

"Forgive for what dammit?" I screamed getting up closer to the bars taking glance at the warden who got up seeing me yell. Trying to calm down I took in a breath clenching my teeth, "You better tell them what you did." I whispered snarling, "Or you'll pay. You can't keep this up forever you know."

"I don't know what your talking about." she lied again the third or something time as I grabbed once of the bars clenching it into my fists, "But okay what if I did know? What if I actually was the person who did this and I didn't rat my self out what exactly would you do Logan? Huh?"

"Then I would FUCKING KILL YOU!" I boomed slamming onto the bars sliding my hands through the tiny crevices between them wanting to grab her little neck and squeeze the life out of her, "You ruined my life! You're the one who raped me! Don't you feel the least amount of guilt dammit? I swear your going to pay, your going to pay!"

What happens next isn't that pretty. All I remembered was that I continued to curse as she screamed at the top of her lungs "He's a mad man! He's trying to kill me! Eek!" Like a some cheesy teen horror flick. Seriously this girl was good at that stuff. But she did so as I'm there screaming and growling like a monster even louder how much I want her to die as Mr. Warden tells me to pack off and threatens to tazer me to oblivion. But I was right, and she deserved to die. But too bad no one believed me. They all thought I was a crazy psycho rapist.

Oh how I wanted to die. Oh why couldn't she just have killed me after she raped mw? Cause I would of like that, like it more than being stuck in this crappy life.

_**CARLOS'S POV**_

Kendall and I sat around the living room eating our usual dinner that night. Wednesday, Ramen soup day. Which was also the dinner for Monday and the breakfast for Friday. Sipping the last bits of it down my throat I soon got up and dumped it in the garbage bag in the kitchen before sitting back down. I quickly glanced over to Kendall who seemed pretty much dead. He usually acted this way after visiting Ms. Knight, but he seemed even more depressed this time. It really scared me. Even Katie was more depressed, she's been doing nothing but staying locked up in her room only coming out for the usual meals and bathroom breaks.

"So Kendall what's up?" I began as he still continued to stare down into his soup, his eyes completely glued on it.

"Kendall. What's up." I tried again more like a command wanting him to answer me. Closing his eyes for a spilt second he looked over to me sadly, his green eyes watery as if about to cry.

"My mom died." he told me as my eyes widened. I wasn't that shocked though, we all pretty much knew this was coming.

"Oh." I replied, "I'm sorry."

"Me too. I could of saved her, if we had the money. If we were still Big Time Rush. This is my fault."

"No it's not Kendall, it's no one's fault."

"No Carlos. It is, and I know it. But at least I got to see her before she died. To see her gorgeous face and loving feel, and the fact she was just still alive. I got to see that before she died, almost everyday. But sill I don't think that was enough."

"What are you saying?"

"What I'm saying." he started putting hand to my knee, "Is that you should visit Logan. Because as stupid as what he did. You still care about him, I know it. I still miss my mother deeply even though I practically saw her everyday. You've only visited Logan once out of the three years he came back. You'll miss once he's gone."

"I don't."

"You say that now. But as I said once he's gone you'll be thinking differently. Trust me."

"So what?" I asked rolling my eyes. Like Kendall knew what he was talking about, "You want me to visit the bastard?"

"Yes, I do. Key word want, not force. Just try Carlos please? I don't want you feeling how I'm feeling now because it hurts, a lot."

"Okay. I'll try." I replied curving the ends of my lips slightly as he smiled back pulling me into a hug."

"Good. I'm sure he'll be glad to see you."

**Very filler-ish. Ugh, I'll try to make Chapter 5 better :)**** Anyways,**

**TO BE CONTINUED….**


	5. I'm Sorry

**Author: The one the only *trumpet plays* Bigfan4242!**

**Pairing(s): Logan/Carlos, Kendall/James :)**

**Ratings: PG-14.**

**Warning(s): Angst, Slash, Language, Themes.**

**Disclaimer- All fiction blah, Not my original characters blah, Storyline and OCs of this fic mine blah. **

**Mood: Relaxed :)**

**Listening to: 40 Dogs (Like Romeo and Juliet)-Bob Schneider.**

**Author's Note: Big thanks to Kaitlinxing for the fan art she made for chapter 3, it's super awesome you should check it out.**

**Oh thank you to all you reviewers and readers. You guys are the bestest!**

* * *

**CARLOS' POV**

Walking slowly towards the prison trying to remember exactly how I got there the first time I visited I sucked in a large amount of fresh air right before gulping it all down. Kendall was right, and I had to admit to myself that I wasn't over Logan. I wasn't over he was here and thr fact that he was back in my life didn't make me happy. But I also had to admit I wasn't okay with the fact he raped a young girl. But I tried to push that aside and just go and enjoy my visit to him. He was still my best friend deep down inside, as well my first love. I deeply cared for him no matter how much I tried to deny it.

The weather was much better than last time, actually it was the best weather we've had in weeks. California was suppose to be one of the sunniest most warm states in the who U.S yet it was raining for pretty much ever. Luckily today the sun was shining brightly, yet it still wasn't that hot. Just perfect. Noticing the dark coal colored rusty gates right in front of my eyes my pace increased. Damn my emotions, I was excited and it was obviously noticeable. Reaching the gates of a place practically like hell I tried to go inside a smile on my face to the guards in front of me. It was a fucking long process to go and visit a inmate. This was going to take a while.

_**LOGAN'S POV**_

Closing my eyes grabbing the small little piece of a plastic fork I took from the lunch area a few weeks ago I etched small little lines upon my wrists the pain making me feel so much better. It simply just felt fantastic, the increasing of my adrenaline as the blood spewed out on to the ground and then to my jumpsuit each swift movement I made with that cheap piece of plastic. It was sorta my art. Pretty much all I could do now, life wasn't getting better and no one believed the fact I wasn't the rapist. The trial was in just a few months and I was praying that maybe these little cuts could possibly spell my one way ticket out of having to see the person who should be in my place lie all over again what happened as everyone believed her. Darn it why did this have to happen to me? A small moan escaping my lips the blood dripping all over the orange jumpsuit on my skin. I glanced over to the jerk of a warden right in front of me quickly turning back to the blood on my wrists. He didn't even care what I was doing to myself, he was standing right in front of me watching hurt myself like it was nothing. No one cared about me, no one really was sad I was here. Hearing the door open, a loud screech on my eardrums I turned around curious who it could have been.

"Logan?" the person spoke out as I just completely stared at them, shocked and overjoyed at their arrival. It was Carlos, he was back, he was fucking back, "Can I talk to him alone?" he asked looking back at the police man who nodded giving me an evil 'don't you dare do anything unless you want the crap beated out of you' glare before leaving. Oh gosh. Moving closer to the bars, I tried to go as close as I could to him the memories of the last time he visited still visible to my mind.

"Hey Logan, what's up?"

"N-nothing." I answered a stutter to my voice as I moved my hand through the tiny crevices of the bars moving it towards him. A small smile on his face he grabbed it glancing underneath, my blood was still dripping, "Don't c-care about that. I-it's nothing."

"You need a band-aid." he told me looking behind at the warden's desk letting go of my hand. A soft whimper came out as I longed for him to come back. I needed someone to talk to all this time and they've came, I didn't want to loose them too fast. Grabbing a few tissues from the large flower decorated box on the edge of the dark steel desk the warden usually layed his huge stinky feet on he quickly came back giving me a few wiping my wrists, "There, I still know how much of a smarty pants neat freak you are. You wanted to be a doctor so much yet you hated blood."

"Well there are worser things than blood."

"That's true. Anyways, I was talking to Kendall just yesterday, he told me I should go visit you."

"You still talk to Kendall and James? How are you guys? Gosh I miss you all." I blurted stupidly before biting my lower lip in frustration over my over excitement, "I mean-"

"It's okay, and yes I do, actually I live with them. Life's not all that fun, but it's okay I mean. Ms. Knight died by the way, it's horrible."

"Oh. Tell Kendall I'm sorry."

"Okay, anyways Logan he told me I should visit you no matter how mad I am. Deep down I do miss you and I've been missing you ever since you left all those years ago. I still love you Logan and I miss you. Kendall saw his mom all his life before she died and he's still devastated, I've only seen you once since you've returned. I don't want to make any mistakes."

"I-I see." I replied staring into his eyes a softer tone to them as they slowly watered. Honestly I never realized how much pain I put him through all those years, but right now in this moment I did. His eyes showed all of it, the pain, frustration and misery he experienced. I felt so bad, "I-I'm sorry for leaving you."

"It's okay." getting up closing his eyes he let go of the tiny, paper thin, red with blood papers falling onto the ground, the longing of his arms increasing as I stared at him. Shaking his head slowly he let out a loud groan not even looking back to me, "I-I can't handle all this right now Logan. It's too much. It feels so good but it also hurts. I-I can't do this now, but I'll be back."

"Okay." I replied as soft a whisper my downcast to the floor as I felt the pain that was once in my body before I started cutting back in me. I was going to be alone again, again.

"But before I leave." he started still faced back at me a breath brought into his lungs before he spoke out, "I have one question. Did you really rape that girl?"

"No." I told him, "Because I still loved you."

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**Ah I just love the last part. Trial's coming up, and I hope you enjoy what I have in mind ;)**

**TO BE CONTINUED….**


	6. Hope

**Title: Save Me**

**Author: The one the only *kick awesome acoustic guitar solo plays* Bigfan4242!**

**Pairing(s): Logan/Carlos, Slight Kendall/James :)**

**Warning(s): Language, Slash, Mentions of Rape.**

**Disclaimer: All fiction and not my original characters. Big Time Rush ain't mine yo. **

**Mood: Tired, Zzzzz.**

**Listening to: Little Lion Man-Mumford and Sons (I think the title is cute, and it's a really good song. Love me some folk.)**

**Author's Note: It was hard... writing this chapter. Besides all my distractions I emotionally couldn't handle it towards the end and ended up crying. I did my research and, this story I don't know if any fictional story can begin to even tell how much of a hell it really is being stuck in jail. **

**To all those currently trapped, I pray you can survive. I hope you guys enjoy it this chapter.****

* * *

****Carlos' POV**

"_No, because I still loved you."_

"_Still loved you."_

"_Still."_

"_Loved."_

"_You."_

The words were still in my head echoing everywhere and anywhere I was. They haunted me while I was 'working', woke me up in the middle of the night, and especially kept taunting me when I went out for my daily walks. They prompted me to go back to the prison because they knew how much I really did want to just see Logan's face. He had told me the one thing I've been dying to hear for the past three years. And he was here and still cared about me. Despite running away, despite tearing us apart, he still cared about me. That little smudge of hope that still was left inside of me was alive and growing with the love of the one person I needed most.

It was Autumn time and the weather seemed to be in sync with my attitude. The sun shined brightly and the sky was always blue with just a few little dabbles of cloud etched on the every corner. My walks were longer without the worry of getting the flu and ultimately dying without any money for medicine, which made my life much easier. I got around to various places more often and faster than before, leaving me time to do whatever I wanted.

Well, whatever I wanted meaning I usually did go to the prison to visit him. Logan was the person I loved, my heart was pleading with me to see him. Deep down I knew I wanted to see him too.

After going through the longest process ever I would visit him in his cell and ask the warden to leave us alone for a second. At first he refused to listen to a 'washed-up hooliganistic boy band member' but I told him it was either he leave or watch us make kissy faces to each other. After that he decided to leave us alone with no questions involved.

Sometimes we would talk, Logan telling me what he was afraid of and how much has happened to him. And me on my problems and how happy I was he was back in my life. That always made him smile, and I always loved that smile. It made me feel like things were going to get better for the both of us. It was amazing how someone who was and had been going through so much could still be smiling.

Logan had been through a lot, I always thought my life was horrible after everything happened when in reality Logan had his own issues and problems and no one there to help him. After running away he got hooked on the illegal drug deal going on here in the dark alleyways people in Hollywood refused to believe was real. He experimented different drugs getting addicted fast. I asked him why he did this, and whenever I did he would shake his head and dart his eyes to the corner refusing to speak any more on the subject, claiming it was just a mistake and he did regret ever doing it.

After that Logan lost all the money he stole from Ms. Knight's emergancy funds (which he apologized for) on the drugs and people beating him up and taking it from his pockets during his unknowing trips. He didn't have his apartment yet and often had to look in the garbage for food. He felt he hit rock bottom and all the dignity and pride left inside of him was gone forever. He felt like an wild animal desperate to keep on living. That he was trapped and everyone around him was either trying to hurt him or steal what little he had left. Logan when he told me about this started to cry and sob pleading I leave him alone for a few days because he felt so horrible. I agreed to this, and as much as I wanted to see if he was okay I understood his reasons why he wanted to be alone.

After awhile that was when he found my number on some wall next to a store with a 'Help Wanted' sign on the window. At first He wanted to call me up, but the sign to him made him feel like maybe he could of made it. He also assumed the guys and I were still angry at him, so maybe the job would be the better choice. But he still kept the number just in case. Thank goodness, I was glad he did.

Every job Logan had, whether cashier or sign spinner (which didn't end up in any way good) he would be fired within days. He hated to refuse the fact he would be out in the streets again, and didn't want to get back to his old ways of desperation and pain. So he would beg, he would beg and plead even offered sex a few times just to keep any job his boss had to offer. Just as long as he got some money. This kept him his job sometimes, but in the end he would be fired because of some sort of ridiculous reason they probably made up to kill dead weight. Sometimes I'd visit the places that fired Logan and made him put himself out like that. Sometimes I'd even buy some eggs (Eggs are cheap), wait a few days for them to spoil and chuck them at the window or employees. That made him laugh.

I blamed all my problems on him when in reality he was suffering way more than me. He had to do everything alone while I had the guys, Katie, and Ms. Knight to help me when I needed them. Logan had no one to guide to. He did tell me there was one girl who tried to help and claimed to be in love with him but she ended up being really abusive and stealing half of his salary before running away.

"A-are you going?" he asked me meekly still clutching onto my hand his eyes rimmed red with his cheeks wet with tears. I slowly tried to let go but with every inch I felt guilty for having to leave him. Logan didn't like anyone in the prison, half of them were bigger than he was which made him hide in a little corner in his cell everyday until I was there to say hello. Logan promised me he'd go insane before winter due to the fact he was so afraid everday.

I tried to smile and bended down to kiss his cheek letting go quickly as his hand just fell on the ground a loud _'Smack!'_ being heard across the building. The other cell mates hissed and growled but I tried to stay calm. They were in cells, they couldn't hurt me. Or I think they can't.

"Hey it's that prostitute!" someone laughed as I turned beginning to glare at them but quickly stopping realizing that they were about ten times bigger than I was, I turned to Logan and sighed trying to ignore the string of questions and homophobic remarks that popped up shortly afterwards. I tried not to get angry or show that I was scared of them, that's exactly what they wanted me to do.

I waved goodbye and smiled at Logan reminding him that I would keep my promise and be there again tomorrow. He nodded and did the same, saying that he trusted me.

**Logan's POV**

"Mitchell, get out of your damn cell." the warden hissed opening the door as I looked up, my eyes opening in small slits in accordance to the light let out on them. I groaned angrily and went back to sleep in my cot. The warden knew I didn't like going outside. He knew why I didn't like going outside and why I liked hiding in my cell. He could be a jackass sometimes but at least he pitied me enough to not force me to go out there. Why now?

I felt his hands on my body as he began to shake me shouting my name adding a long list of curse words shortly afterwards. He claimed I was being a baby and that resisting his orders would be the most stupid idea in my life. But I wasn't denying his orders, nor was I being a baby. I was just freaked out of my mind being in an open field with over three hundred men way bigger, taller, stronger, and tougher than I was.

He groaned and mumbled something before grabbing bits of my jumpsuit carrying me up before throwing me to the ground. The impact hurt my body and made me ache but the warden just stood there giving me an "I told you" look before pointing me outside to the field. I tried to walk slowly wasting time trying to get there, but this attempt ended futile at the fact he pushed me out laughing as he shut the door as soon as I got out.

The sun was shining and the skies were blue, it was incredible how much I really did miss being out in the real world. It was far better than being stuck in a small little cell, I didn't feel trapped. I felt part of the world again. The air was crisp and made me smile, I was partly glad he made me come out here.

I took a few steps, small steps. Like a baby the very first time they begin to walk. I never had so much space in over months, enough to run, play around, pretty much do anything. I just wanted to stay out there and run across the grass keeping in all the freshness but I had to remember I was still in a prison with many inmates and I needed to watch my step.

I scurried over to the grass and sucked in a breath taking a seat in a little corner swaying back and forth. Everyone didn't seem to pay attention to me, everyone didn't really care for each other. Unless you try talking with someone twice your size then that's when people start messing with you.

I grabbed a few flowers and strands of grass feeling them in my hands before pulling them up to my nose to smell the freshness. They made me happy they made me feel as if one day I could be able to smell the flowers past the jail yard and that the girl who did this to me would get what's coming to her.

That little glimmer of hope was still around, and I knew that it would grow within the time coming.

* * *

**Will things remain happy for the boys for long? What is Logan's fate in the time coming? Will rapist girl finally admit to what she did? Will Charlette just ever stop jabbering?**

**We will see...**

**TO BE CONTINUED...**

**Thanks for readin' :)**


	7. New Friends

**AN**-Okay so to clear things up a certain character is making a guest appearance in this chapter. Just a hint she's from Chapter Three (*edit* Ahaha I mean Chapter Four. That was smooth) in Logan's point of view. *cough he wants to strangle her cough*. So that's who the person is in one of these point of views.

And also I kind of got the whole thing happening in at the last point of view from Sum1cooler's 'Love Above the Law' story. (Only like, this girl is pretty gosh darn crazy and she's going to continue to be crazy in later chapters aha) So if you haven't read it I suggest you do so and fast 'cause it's a pretty darn amazing story.

Oh just saying this chapter sucks. Everytime I attempted to edit it my computer refused to let me save it. So yeah, it's ridden with grammar, spelling, and whole bunch of crazy errors. Ahaha.

So yeah, I hope you guys like it and thanks for all the amazing words. You guys rule(:

**Warning(s):** Sex. Some rape. Sailor Language. Prostitution. And of course there's some slash.

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**Logan's POV**

Today, I seriously regretted going outside.

Why? Because of the guy who decided to jump me in the middle of the field and start to rape me. Because of the guy who started laughing once he got himself in me. Because of the who just ruined any happiness I had.

The laughter was what hurt the most because it truly did humiliate me.

"Ha, he's crying! The big tough rapist is crying 'cause now he has something up his ass." he yelled continuing to go in me, each thrust faster and faster. I felt myself tearing up with a huge a huge pain my back side. But he didn't care; he's waiting to come in me. I trembled fearing for that moment to come.

"Stop it, please." I pleaded as he laughed even louder. Two of his friends walk behind him and watch him. One of them rubbing the erection in his orange pants while the other slowly took off his. He probably wanted in on the whole situation too. They both have the same glazed loopy kind of expression on their faces. It was like they're having the time of their lives. I on the other hand wanted to crawl in a hole and die.

While they're watching I sort of feel like I'm doing a show for them. Like this is going to hit the internet or something and I'm going to be the washed up boy band singer who's now a porn star.

A rapist and a porn star. This was not at all what I expected my life to be like.

"No way bitch, enjoy this now 'cause things are going to get a lot harder."

_"Harder?"_ I thought, _"How can thing get much more worse_?"

After awhile he started grunting loudly as his hands went to my hips. He dug his fingernails into my skin and pounded harder than before. Oh dear goodness it hurt so much. I wondered how Carlos did this for a living

They're both laughing and my head hurts. I felt embarrassed. Degraded is the better term actually. He tore me horribly and I don't want to cry because that'd just give them an even more satisfaction to what they did. So I gritted my teeth and tried to suck it up, but deep down I wanted to collapse to the floor and cry my eyes out.

His friend finishes taking off his pants as he placed his penis to my face. There's no way in hell was I going to suck that guy without him forcing me too. I'm not going to do that. So I shut my mouth, refusing him.

"Ha, look he's trying to fight back." the guy laughed before spitting on my face. I closed my eyes and gritted my teeth again hearing them grate as the man grabbed the bridge of my nose squeezing it to stop me from breathing, "Let's see what you do about this."

I'm drowning. I need air but I don't want him in my mouth. But if I don't get air I'm going to explode. My lungs are hurting and I want to drop. My face started feeling weird and body started to tingle. I couldn't breathe.

I can't take it. I open my mouth and immediately he pounds his penis inside.

"Mmm, that feels so fucking good." the man moaned grabbing the back of my head pushing me closer to him. I closed my eyes and felt the pounding turn into a bad numbness. I wondered how long he had been thrusting. It seemed like forever. The man orders me to start sucking and spits on my face again pushing me even more closer to him. I'm gagging on his thing. I'm gagging and he knows it and he's not going to let go of me until I start sucking.

So I do it.

"Yeah, you little slut. Go eat that all up." he told me closing his eyes his eyelashes fluttering against his cheeks as he pushed me even more. I continued to suck him hoping that he gets tired soon. He pushes me off and grins at me bending down to my height. I'm freaking out on what he might do but I don't panic. I just watch him, "You have nice brown eyes." he began staring at me grabbing my chin to get a better look. I'm freaking out a bit at his sudden kindness but I just nod my head whispering a thank you, "It reminds me of my old boyfriend."

Whoa, whoa what? My eyes widen as I look over to the guy behind me his face a bit shocked as he got off of me pushing me to the ground. I thank god for this but also fear for the guy who complimented my eyes. The 'thrusting' guy looks a bit angry. I'm scared of what he might do to him.

"Aha. So we have two queers in this jailhouse. Interesting." he winked at me as I felt a shiver go down my spine, "We'll see how this goes." he pushed the other guy to the ground before walking away, the 'masturbating' guy following along with a face filled with ecstasy. I'm pretty sure he came at some point.

I look over to the man pulling up my pants feeling my neck remembering the teeth marks from when they were 'kissing' me. Interesting story to tell Carlos the next time he came back. I got up and offered a hand to the man smiling at him meekly, "Hey, I'm Logan." I greeted as he shook his head at the offer getting up himself.

"Cory." he answered gruffly. He seemed almost my age, probably just a few years older. He had long blond hair and green eyes. It kind of reminded me of Kendall, "Look what I said, don't go thinking I'm a wuss or something 'cause I'm not. Okay?"

I nodded, "I don't think you're a wuss."

"Okay good." he smiled at me and rubbed the back of his neck, "I mean, yeah I'm queer but that doesn't mean I can't beat the crap out of you or Eli or Tom over there."

So that was their names, "I get it."

He stared at me a bit and returning my earlier smile shaking my hand too, "You really do look my boyfriend. Err well ex-boyfriend now. I actually hate to admit I'm pretty god damn jealous of you and that prostitute that comes over everyday."

I hated it when people called Carlos 'that prostitute' or something like that. But I decided to just let it slide, "Oh. You mean Carlos?"

"Yeah him." he began. I saw something in his eyes when he talked about this. He didn't look like a criminal anymore, but a human being longing for something, "You guys really love each other huh?"

I nodded, "Yes, more than anything in the world."

"I can tell."

* * *

**Four years ago.**

"What are you scared of?" Carlos whispered as I looked at him sighing heavily rubbing my temples unable to answer. We're lying on our backs in my bed with the blanket wrapped around us. Our bodies intertwine with each other as he pressed a kiss onto my lips, pulling me closer wrapping his arms around my waist. We're laughing while we do this but making sure to be extra quiet because it's super late and James would kill us if we ruined his beauty sleep, "You keep running away."

I just lie there in amazing bliss. I grab his hand and holding it in mine clutching it tightly. He sighs heavily and lifts my hand for him to kiss every single finger. His lips feel soft on my finger tips as he sucked a few of them like a baby with its pacifier. I moan once he starts before he quickly shushes me, us both laughing as we almost get caught.

"You have a girlfriend." he tried to bring up again as I just lied there acting as if I don't hear a thing when really I can hear everything, "Actually. You got her when we both realized we loved each other. Why is that Logan?"

I don't answer.

"Logan?"

"I don't know." I answer to him as he smiles turning around to face me. I feel his crotch directly at the side of my leg. Part of me is screaming I go and suck him right there, right now under the covers but we both had promised to wait a little longer before having sex. Or as Carlos described it 'making love'. I turned around to face him as well smashing our lips one more time placing my hand close to his thigh rubbing it a little, "I want to do it. Right now."

Carlos gasps a bit as we look over to Kendall and James. Kendall stirs a bit but quickly falls back asleep. Thank goodness, "Are you sure? Are you sure you want to do this?"

"More than anything." I tell him continuing to rub around as he grinds against my leg. Carlos is kissing me again trailing from up my lips to down to my neck. I'm biting my lip to stop from screaming wondering how hard this is going to be when he actually starts. Carlos is amazing with his lips. I've told him that before. He's holding the elastic of my pajama pants ready to pull them down.

But he doesn't. I'm confused, "What is it?"

"Y-you don't want this." Carlos told me as I got even more confused, "You have a girlfriend Logan."

I kissed him again, "But I love you."

"Then why do you have a girlfriend?" he asked again, voice suddenly higher and more angry. I licked my lips running my fingers through his hair going through every loose tangle, "Logan. Answer me."

"I-"

"If you say you don't know I'm going to push you off this bed." he threatened laughing shortly afterwards. I moved a bit adjusting myself to move be closer to him, "What's the real reason Logan. Tell me."

I really did not know what to tell him. I mean why I accepted a date with Camille I had no idea. Why I said yes when she asked me to be her boyfriend I had no idea. Why I'd find myself in her room making out with her I had no idea. Carlos, yeah I loved him more than anything in the world but I really did not know why I was still with Camille, "I-I really don't know." I replied, "I-"

"No I don't want to hear it." he told me getting up, "I really don't want to hear it."

He got up and went back to his bed not even daring to look back at me.

I knew I had messed up big time.

* * *

**Carlos' POV**

"Hop in." some guy hissed at James licking his lips already imagining all the dirty things he would to do to him that night. I patted his shoulder as James looked over to me hesitating to get inside the car showing the discomfort he had having to do this. None of us wanted to be prostitutes but it was the only way we were able to survive. But I still felt especially sorry for him and Kendall. The fact they had to have sex with random strangers and never each other. It sucked.

"Hey you, with the delicious tan skin."

Delicious? I furrowed an eyebrow to the man as James entered the front staring at me again. What did this guy want? I prayed not a threesome or something like that, "I'd get you too but I'm low on cash. Willing to blow me for free?"

"No." I answered calmly remembering seeing some girl get really badly raped and beat up after saying a few harsh words to a client. I didn't want that kind of trouble, and even though there was still a chance of getting raped by this dude I decided to lower my chances, "Have fun."

The man laughed and looked over to James ruffling his hair tracing his lips with his thumb, "Oh I know I will. This guy must be wild in bed." he chuckled licking his lips again. I could already see the giant boner in his pants, "See you later."

As he left I leaned against the street sign and closed my eyes for a second. Maybe today would be one of those free nights. I prayed it would. I really didn't feel like having sex with anyone. But then again I also had to make my end's meet. It was a lose-lose situation.

"Hey, come in." a person told me as I looked up. A girl was at the front of the car a smile to her face as she gestured her hands for me to come inside. I sighed and went inside, "How much?"

"How long?" I replied as she furrowed an eyebrow shrugging her shoulders. She looked really young, like she just came out of high school or finished having a sleepover with her friends. I wanted to ask her age, "How old are you?"

"Eighteen," she began grinning at me, "and the whole night if that's okay. I don't want to have sex, I just feel lonely. I want company."

What the? I didn't believe this girl. She was probably going to try and seduce me at some point, everyone did. She couldn't just pay me to stay with her for an entire night 'cause she felt lonely. Unless this girl was some sort of idiot, but I highly doubted that, "Really? I mean you can do anything to me just name it."

She sighed and placed a hand to my lap. I was awaiting for her to pull down my pants just do me on the spot but she just laid her hand there, smiling at me brightly, "You've been through a lot haven't you?" she began leaning her head onto the seat, "So have I. I want someone to listen to me that's all, and no not like a therapist if you're thinking that but like someone who's been through as much as I have."

I looked at her before looking at her hand on my lap, "Why are you doing this?" I asked trying to muster up as much strength as I could. No one had every just wanted to talk to me. I was a prostitute. People only talked dirty talk to me. That was it, "I'm just a prostitute."

"A prostitute with a story. Here, I'm paying you right?" she told me grabbing her wallet placing in my hand a couple of bills. I opened my mouth to say something but she quickly shushed me, "Listen, that's all you have to do. And hey maybe I'll listen to your problems too. All you're going to have to do is come to my apartment and listen to me." She pulled a strand of her blond hair and licked her lips, "Okay? Eat from the fridge if you're hungry and if you want go take a shower. Do what you want, just as long as you listen to me."

I was a bit confused but the factor of a warm shower and some fresh food sounded great. Plus I was getting paid for all this. This was the kind of deal I liked, "Okay." I sucked in a breath, "I'll do it."

The girl nodded and put a hand out, "Thank you so, so much. I'm Carolyn by the way, Carolyn Houston. You don't have to tell me your name I know it's like 'Against the Rules' or something like that."

I looked at her hand curious to how she knew about that. Maybe I wasn't the only prostitute she's picked up to just 'talk' to her. I wanted to ask that too, but I decided to let it go. For some reason I kind of wanted to tell her my name though. This girl didn't seem like the person to hurt someone, like I felt safe spending the night at her house. That was the first time I ever felt that way

"I'm Carlos," I told her accepting the handshake, "And it's my pleasure."

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**To be continued...**


	8. A Little Good in the Bad

**AN**-So, I don't know what exactly I want to say right now but, expect that things will be getting better soon enough. I'm planning something really good to happen next chapter, promise. (especially for you Sean, aha. Things are getting better!)

lol, oh and I loooove you guys. Thank you all for all the wonderful reviews! I really appreciate them(:

**Warning(s):** Sailor language. Angst. A really horrible woman you all should burn at the stake.

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_**Carlos' POV**_

I rubbed my eye with the back of my hand moving the covers away from my body. Carolyn's quiet snores filled the room as I tried not to wake her up.

Unlike majority of my clients, she was fully clothed and we actually 'just' slept last night. I was glad to have someone like Carolyne in my life. With all the bad there was some good in my day. I actually looked forward to going to work everyday just because I knew she would be there. Things were getting brighter and brighter.

"Carlos?" she chimed, voice low and frail. I turned around and smiled weakly rubbing her shoulder trying to get her to go back to sleep, "Carlos, are you up? Are you already going? Let me make you some breakfast."

I laughed and shook my head, "No, no it's fine. You've given me so much already, thank you so much." I noticed her smile as I told her this. The poor girl had been through a lot. She was raped by some random guy who then almost beat her to death. The whole thing was traumatizing. I felt so much pity for her, similar to how I felt for Logan, "Are you going to be okay?

She sighed, "Yeah, I will. Glad to have gotten what I told you off my chest."

"It was my pleasure to listen."

She moved her hand to my face and touched my cheek, "I'm so lucky to have someone like you in my life. We've both been through so much now haven't we?" I nodded, "Again tomorrow?"

"Yeah, of course."

She lifted her head up a bit and kissed my cheek. Her lips felt soft brushing against my skin, "Feel free to grab anything from the fridge, and your payment is in my wallet. Three hundred right? Add another twenty. I trust you enough to just take it." she grabbed my hand, "And thank you Carlos, thank you so much."

I stroked her hand, "No, thank you. For everything."

**Logan's POV**

It felt nice having a friend in prison… even if he did try to butt fuck numerous times.

But still, it was fun. We'd sit in the back and talk while everyone went out during break time. We didn't really want to be outside, especially after the numerous comments Tom and Eli made about how they were literally beat us to bloody pulps after banging us so freaking hard. Things were nice in our own little world back inside the prison cells. The world of the other inmates was something frightening and not at all interesting to us.

"So," I began fumbling around with my fingers, another day of us just talking. He was whistling a tune from some show I used to watch when I had a TV to watch from, "tell me more about your ex-boyfriend."

He stopped, looked at me, and rolled his eyes, "Why do you want to know about Rory?" he asked as I shrugged a little, "Things about us are over Logan. What has happened happened and it's all over my friend."

"But I want to know about him." I whined, "Rory and Cory. It rhymes and I like it. Tell me more about Rory."

He sighed and crossed his legs coming closer to me. His breath was against my skin and I felt him place his hand on my lap, fingers twitch on top of my lap, "You want to hear about Rory? Okay then." He licked his lips and closed his eyes trying to think back, "Rory Sean Rynnolds was my best friend turned boyfriend. I loved him to bits."

I nodded.

"He had short brunette hair and big brown eyes, just like yours. His skin was pale and was very frail and skinny. He was weak, could barely survive on his own. That's why he was goddamn lucky to have me as a guide." Cory rubbed the back of his neck, "I protected Rory. He was my life, my soul. As corny as it sounds he was everything to me. I couldn't bear even thinking of even a scratch on that boy."

"So, what happened?"

"Well, one day Rory called me you see. And he was all panicked and stuff. I was real confused and so like, I asked him what was wrong. Rore, it turns out robbed a store and accidentally shot a few a people. Keep in mind Logan, Rory was never a rich man. On the contray, he was practically homeless when we were dating."

"Is Rory in jail?" I questioned.

"No, let me finish." He commanded as I nodded again, "I asked where he was and he told me he couldn't tell me so I decided to go find him myself. After a long time of searching I came home to find out some thugs beat him up for his money and he died due to the injuries."

Whoa. Whoa. I was shocked, "And what'd you do after that?"

"Search for the bastards who did that to him. Rory was life man, my fucking life. I loved him, more than anything. He was so precious, so, so, so precious and they fucking kill him on the fucking spot." He rubbed the back of his eyes, his words being choked up, "I had to avenge him. So I beat those suckers like how they beat my Rory.

"So you beat them to death?"

"Yeah. Kind of, sort of. I didn't know really happened to me, but I guess I went a little insane. They got what was coming dude dude. Rory deserved everything nice to happen to him, which sadly couldn't happen because of those jerks."

I looked at Cory and nodded, "I'm so sorry."

"No, don't apologize." He looked up and gave me a weak smile, "Did I tell you they were going to be put me on death row? Execution for good ol' Cory Bakshire. The sad ending to a sad life."

I laughed throwing my head back, "Aha, prison for old' Logan Mitchell. The sad ending to a semi-sad life."

"That was funny." He chuckled out before moving my hand closer to my lap. His fingertips brushed against my thigh as a tingle went down my spine, "You really do look like him Logan. Whenever I see you, I see a little of him in you."

Akward. He stared at me. I stared at him. I tried to turn away-

But then he kissed me. Wrapped his arms around my neck and gripped, pulled, grabbed me by the ears and kissed me. I felt his tongue slip through my mouth as he pushed me slowly to the ground. His kisses filled with tears as he smashed our bodies together.

"I love you. I love you I love you I love you. Please don't ever leave me again. " he whispered, "Don't ever leave me."

**Carlos' POV**

"Carlos? Long time no see." the large man in front of me smiled, giant yellow lensed sunglasses on his face as he sipped the mug of coffee in his hand (surprise, surprise it isn't actually just warm water we served him). He huffed a large cloud of smoke in the air and towards my face. I lick my lips and fumble with my fingers wondering why the heck after so many years the 'great' Gustavo Rocque decided to return and visit his 'greatest' creation, "How are things?

I laugh at his words, "How do you think Gustavo? We live in a high-class apartment with almost everything we could of possibly wanted. It's like we never left the Palm Woods."

"Wow, much more mean now he's living in the ghettos." he hissed at me before sighing heavily, "But Carlos, I'm really here for a reason."

"What?"

He looked at me for a little bit before rummaging around his pocket, "When you boys left, it was the worst day of my life." he grabbed his wallet, "I mean it was horrible. I could never find another boy band like you guys. I couldn't find people like you guys. You were all one of a kind and I realized how much I missed you all."

I smiled a fake smile, "Whoop-dee-do. I'm sorry though Gustavo, things can't go back no matter how much I want them too."

He shook his head, "No, that's not what I mean. What I mean is that you guys gave me so much, and I should of rewarded you more. I should of defended you when Griffin kicked you out of his record company, rather than hide in the back." the crack of his wallet opening filled the room as Gustavo took off a few bills, "I want to pay you guys something that will really help you out."

I groaned, "No, only clients pay me. So either you want a blowjob or you put that money back."

He laughed, "No, you really want to see this money." he took out a few more bills and grinned, "I've heard about the whole situation with Logan and I think it's horrible. In all honesty the whole story seems a bit flawed and not at all something he would do."

You got that right.

"I want you to use this money to pay for Logan's bail. I want you to have him back. Even it won't be forever, I want you guys to be together for even a little while."

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**To Be Continued...**


	9. innocence lost

**AN-** oh my goodness, it's been like forever since i've been in FF and i've missed all of you guys all so much. if you're wondering why i'm gone there's a notice in my profile explaining what's been going on, and if you want to know more feel free to PM me.

oh and i'm going to start pulling you guys into the past of both logan and carlos, so you get an idea of how they got to where they are. their pasts are italicized, and their ages are the numbers in parenthesis. i tested using an all dialogue part for logan and i got this idea from a rp i did with my a few of besties on this site.

oh and on the two quotes. lol i'm talking too much. i feel both of them represent carlos and logan's relationship. yep yep yep.

anyways, yeah i'll shut up. r&r and i hope you guys enjoy this chapter 3

**DISCLAIMER**: 'speak' and 'volcano' aren't mine. no matter how much i want to be as epic as laurie halse anderson and damien rice.

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_"there is no magic cure, no making it all go away forever. there are only small steps upward; an easier day, an unexpected laugh, a mirror that doesn't matter anymore."_

**_melinda sordino 'speak'_**

_"don't throw yourself like that in front of me i kissed your mouth, your back. is that all you need don't drag my love around. volcanoes melt me down."_

**_damien rice 'volcano'_**

_**carlos.**_

It feels nice to have something to look forward to everyday.

It makes you want to get out of bed every morning, and with a smile on your face. It makes you overcome anything that comes your way, like a crappy job or a crappy house or a growling stomach knowing that once the day was over you could just relax and be with that something, someone.

"Logan?" I whispered shaking him gently as he looked up at me, his eyes shining as they opened in slits. I grabbed his hand and stroked it softly unable to believe this to be true. I never thought of the day we would be together again. Everyday seemed to pull us farther apart, but now I realized that it actually brought us closer together.

I laid back down in bed and pulled him closer to me. It had only been one night since Logan came back from jail and I was overjoyed he was okay. We had stayed up making love, and touching each other over and over to make sure this was all real and not some dream. My lips craved him as if he would be the sweetness to steal away my bitter loneliness, and likewise for him. We were soulmates.

I stroked his hair now. Logan was really tired, and scared, and innocent. How could such an innocent child hurt so much? How could all of us, all of us once innocent children hurt so much and have to go through this.

I remember being younger, sixteen. The clouds were bunnies and horses and there were monsters under my bed. Candy and dinosaur chicken nuggets were always on the menu. And words like 'recession' or 'rape' were only words we heard on the news. I could be whatever I wanted, and prostitute was never ever ever on the list or a possibility.

But I guess I had to deal. Life always threw poo at you, and you just had to deal I guess. I hugged Logan a little more and dug my face into his neck nuzzling him.

At least things were getting a little easier to deal.

**logan (13).**

_"That's right boy, go and touch her right there, right there."_

_"But daddy-"_

_"I said do it dammit!"_

_"But-but, I don't think she wants it. She's whimpering, she's not ready, and neither am I and, and, and. Daddy please just don't make me do this. I don't want to. I don't want to hurt anymore people and and and-"_

_**SMACK.**_

_"I said it do it dammit, or else. And make some room. She's not just your meat son."_

**logan.**

I couldn't believe Gustavo actually helped pay for my bail.

It was odd, seeing him again. After so many years of waiting for anyone to come back and save me from the clutches of the hell called prison the last person I would assume to even want to see me was the one who did so. This was the same man who would yell at us nonstop and tell us about how we were failures. Was I seeing things right?

"It's my apology." he mumbled as I nodded my head going through the numerous procedures I had to go through before I could finally go back home. Mr. Policeman Douche pretended not to listen, but I could see his ears perking up to every little word we said, "I was always tough on you dawgs. But it's because I saw so much potential in you guys."

"It's fine." I answered, "This is enough."

"No, it'll never be enough. I would give you my life if I could, but I can't." he rubbed the back of his neck, a gold necklace around his throat and layers and layers of clothes on him. Gustavo's attitude had changed, but his lack of style was still the same from years ago, "Do you need a ride? I'm willing to drive you to the other dawgs' apartment."

I shook my head, "Thanks, but I'd rather walk."

Once Gustavo left Mr. Policeman Douche was still working on me. Once he finished he uncuffed my handcuffs and rushed me over to the door. I asked if I could see Cory one last time, and with a heavy sigh he said yes.

Cory and I had hit an odd fork in the road. He was using me as a form of replacement for Rory ever since the day we met, and he was slowly taking it more and more seriously as the days continued.

His trial had ended ages ago. He was sentenced the death penalty, and soon enough Cory would be leaving for death row. Every night I would hold him, and let him tell me his stories, his secrets, his fears. Sometimes I would even let him touch me. It was all pity though, not love. Cory knew that too. But we were both lonely and scared and needed each other to take away all the bad.

"Cory?" I began as I saw him look up at me. He rushed to the bars and held onto them about to cry, "Hey Cory."

"Logan," he mouthed, "are you leaving?"

"Yeah. Someone paid my bail."

"So you're going to leave me?"

He was hurt. He was crying, sobbing. I wanted to cry too. But I was strong, and I needed to start doing things for myself too. I shrugged my shoulders and tried to grab his hand.

"I'm not leaving, I just. I just need to get away from this place."

"So you're leaving. You're leaving Logan, and I'm going to fucking die, and you're leaving." he started to scream and scream and yell and yell and all I could do was stand there trying to stay calm and take everything in. I kept mumbling how sorry I was. How much I wished Cory didn't have to face all this drama and trouble and how no one deserves this and that everything was going to be all right for him and he wasn't going to die and that Rory was going to magically come back and they'll be together riding unicorns into rainbows.

But those things only happen in dreams. And dreams rarely ever come true. Reality was set, and within days Cory's body would smell like burning skin and his heart would of stopped beating.

"I'm sorry." I finally repeated as he looked at me gripping the handle bars. He let out a beastly roar and started to shake the entire cell as various policemen ran to stop him for disturbing the peace.

Sometimes you just had to deal with things, because you couldn't do anything about them.

**carlos (16).**

_I kissed his mouth. It tasted like peppermint and Coke as I sucked his tongue letting my fingers roll around through his hair. Logan grinned at me devilishly and began to unbuckle my belt buckle. His fingertips made me shudder as they tugged at the hem of my underwear pulling them down. I gasped for air before letting him devour me in kisses._

_"I-I love you." he whispered over and over as he slid out of his clothes. He allowed me entrance in his private spot. A spot (I assumed) he only allowed a few people. He kept mumbling those words (I love you Carlos, I love you, I love you) over and over and over as I let myself into him, letting us become one person. _

_But then he started to whimper/cry/shake/tremble. I slid off of Logan and furrowed an eyebrow confused. I looked at his face, how he looked and saw something that terrified me._

_I saw lust in his eyes. But not an inch of love._

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**i hope you guys didn't find this sad because i was going to add something bad happening to cory in this chapter i decided to add in the next chapter since i didn't want to ruin the err, optimistic (sure) vibe of this chapter.**

**to be continued...**


	10. crashing down

_**an- **_so uh, this is a very dreary chapter. i'm not going to lie lol. you're going to hate someone, but also hopefully sympathize with them too. hope y'all enjoy!

_**warning(s): **_mentions of child molestation, rape, cursing. Rape trigger.

_logan._

"Hey Logan," Kendall welcomed as he ran around the kitchen pouring things into a pan, drinking coffee, and at the same time trying to start up a conversation. I licked my lips and pressed my coffee mug to my lips taking a long sip. It felt good as the warm liquid trickle down my throat and made a warm feeling in my stomach. Kendall looked at me and furrowed an eyebrow repeating his question, "Earth to Logan. Answer me dude."

I looked up and dropped my cup down. Kendall rolled his eyes and turned away from me continuing to cook. He was always so stubborn. If you didn't do things his way Kendall wasn't really up for a fight. I continued to drink letting the warmness of the drink heat me up again as the feeling increased and made little bubbles rise and pop. It was really cold for a summer day, and I was already wearing three layers of clothes. Kendall poured the meal into a large bowl and threw it on the table.

It had been a few days since I came back and Kendall and James were both indifferent about me staying. James and I hadn't really caught up and we only talked when we had to. He lost all his narccism, something I never thought was possible but nonetheless true. As well his sense of style and though still had a full head hair, had lost all of its luster. I should of expected this assuming they had not that much money but I always assumed James figured some sort of natural kind of thing like with the tears of a dog or lemon juice or something that'd made him look the same as he did ages ago.

Kendall on the other hand wouldn't shut up and would ask me about a hundred questions every day on about everything. But it was just because he cared, and I understood that. But sometimes I didn't really feel like talking and or answering questions especially when it dealt with my past. Sometimes you just didn't like to think back to those times where you were most vulnerable.

But Kendall was always persistant and he wouldn't give up until I answered him back. So I just agreed to it and answered any questions he had. Just today wasn't really my day.

The three of them were gone a lot, and so it was just me and Katie. Carlos was out again because his special client had ordered him again and he had promised to come by everytime she called. I never felt jealosu though, I swear. He reassured me it was all bussiness and that I had nothing to worry about because he loved me, and he did not like girls and that he liked penis and not vaginas or boobies. I trusted him anyways and he trusted me.

"Call James and Katie, Carlos said his special client is coming to dinner and so I made something nice." Kendall groaned as he threw out a large bowl filled with salad (and or Kendall salad which consists of lettuce and... lettuce and hopefully some sauce) and his casserole looking dish of God knows what. I nodded my head and yelled for James and Katie who quietly crept through sitting in their assigned seats, "Crap, I guess Carlos and his guest can sit on the couch, maybe we all should."

"That might be good." I shrugged as Kendall moved the food around to make it look like a serve yourself table, "How are you Kendall?"

"Fine." he answered, "Glad to know you're talking now."

He was being sarcastic. I smiled weakly at him as he grinned touching my shoulder, "I'm kidding Logan, I'm really happy you're here. Carlos is really happy you're here and so is James and Katie even if they don't talk." he moved around and grabbed a few plates and cups looking over to them. They stared at a blank wall as James got up and grabbed a nearby book on the side of him, "I hope you like my uh, surprise. It's good, I promise. It looks like vomit, but it tastes way better than that."

I nodded and got up adjusting the kitchenware. Forks with forks and spoons with spoons. Smudges off and licked (kidding!) I mean washed off. After a few minutes the door opened and Carlos poked through. He furrowed an eyebrow as Kendall gave him a thumbs up and pointed to the food happily. He was proud. This was the best dinner he'd prepared in a long time. I smiled at Carlos as he smiled back blowing me a kiss. I laughed. I loved him so much.

"Well okay gents, this lovely lady is Miss Carolyn Houston." he began to whistle as a girl giggled punching his shoulder, "She's the girl who's been paying me so much and just making my life pretty fantastic." he began as a girl with blonde hair walked through the door a smile on her face. She waved her hand a little and even curtsied.

"Hi guys, I'm so glad you guys invited me over. It's such a pleasure to meet you all."

She giggled. That blonde hair and that giggle. I knew that giggle. I knew that blonde hair. I knew this girl. Why did she keep following me? She already ruined my life and she totally made me look like a monster to not only Officer Douche but to the whole goddamn world.

What did she want from me?

She walked up to everyone and kissed their cheeks. Her eyelashes fluttered against her cheeks and she looked equivalent to a fucking glass doll. (I would break her if she was doll, grab her by the arms and throw her to the ground and stomp on her until her little fucking barbie doll pieces were on the floor and would stuff them in the garbage disposal a let little blades tear her to shreds.) Kendall hugged Carolyn and welcomed her with a big smile saying how he was so fucking happy she came. James did the same and Katie complimented her dress.

Finally she caught up to me. She pressed her lips against my cheek and let her lips linger a bit longer before letting go. She looked at me and smiled.

"Glad to see you Logan." she whispered as I tried to say something. My mouth was dry and it seemed like something was dragging my tongue. I started to stutter again as images of that night played through my head. Her hands, finger prints all over my body touching me everywhere. Her nimble hands pushing me to the back of her car as I smelled chapstick and old perfume and I could feel shopping bags swim around my naked body. I had told her no. No no no no no no no no no. But her body still thrusting against mine as she whispered dirty words to me sinking her fangs into my body.

I had to run.

And I did.

"Logan!" Carlos yelled as I kept running over and over until I couldn't hear his voice. I made a steady beat with my shoes letting them stomp to the ground until they went on stars started to run with me and the moon was getting bigger and bigger as I chased after it. I couldn't breathe, but I kept running and running until my lungs exploded in my chest and tears were stinging my eyes and I was coughing up vomit. I stopped in an alleyway and fell to back of the wall and started to cry.

I thought everything was going so well.

_carlos._

"He what?"

Carolyn sighed and chewed on her food looking up at everyone. She wiped her eyes a little and apologized for how sensitive she was being and how she was normally not like that but concerning this she just couldn't help but be a little emotional. I said it was fine and to continue. I couldn't believe the words coming out of her mouth.

"So Logan was the one who did it?" I asked as I could feel the anger in me burning up again. He promised me. He promised me that he didn't rape anyone. He promised me that he hadn't done anything because he loved me. I believed him. Because he did love me. Didn't he? He had to. He had always loved me and now we could be together. Logan wasn't even straight, "Are you sure?"

She bit her lip and nodded asking for a tissue. Kendall handed her one and I looked down at his food. He hadn't even taken a single bite, all of us actually. I reached for his hand and gripped it tightly giving it a slight squeeze. His fingers attempted to wrap around mine but in all it felt like a dead fish, limp and cold and barely able to move.

"Y-Yeah. I don't really know exactly details but he was really drunk and I was sitting in my car after buying some make-up remover and condoms from the store nearby." she laughed a little trying to ease up the melancholy move, "I mean, I got the condoms for my boyfriend and I. His name is George, we broke up after all of this unfortuantely but I wanted to surprise him that night with uh, yeah. So while I went to count whatever leftover money I had and I saw someone walking by. But I just ignored him. Then bam!" she slapped the table and started to tremble, "Logan ran up to me and just started kissing me all over. Next thing I knew he was yelling at me to go in the back and well, yeah."

I couldn't believe it. All he had told me. All that 'I love you' and 'I've always loved you since the beginning' stuff was garbage. Total and utter garbage. Logan was a liar, and a rapist at that. How could he do this to me? To Carolyn? How could he betray us like that? I should of known he was no good, after leaving us I should of known that he would just do it to someone else. People don't change. Logan never changed and was always the selfish horrible person I assumed he was.

"I'm really sorry. I mean I've forgiven him, totally. But my dad wants justice against this." she shrugged her shoulders and lifted her fork up to her lips chewing on the casserole. I think all of us lost our desire to eat. She took another bite and leaned against her chair, "Logan's a good guy and I guess this was just a little mistake. God says to forgive others to bring yourself at peace and so I did. Don't get mad at him guys."

How could she be so forgiving? I bit my lip trying to sink in everything. Not only did he leave us, but he lied to us. Then he blamed Carolyn as the rapist of the whole situation.

I just couldn't believe it. Something felt fishy about this whole theory but I just couldn't bring myself not to forgive Carolyn. She was such a sweet person, why would she lie to me? This was the girl who had taken me in and fed me and talked to me and had become my well friend. She wouldn't lie to me. Logan lied to me. He had always lied to me, to all of us.

"Let's not think about this guys." her voice sliced through as I nodded smiling at her. I felt her hand go down and hold my other hand as she smiled at me, "This is really good Kendall. What are the ingredients? The place looks really nice, I hope you didn't just do it all because y'all knew I was coming."

I looked at him and let go of our hands as he smiled naming a list of foods and spices I didn't know. The entire dinner was much better after this. Things actually felt normal, just us friends talking about silly things and hanging out and eating together and without Logan.

You know what? I didn't need Logan anymore. I could deal with things myself.

_**carolyn. (8)**_

_"daddy, daddy please don't let me go to school anymore."_

_"well why is that Carolyn?"_

_"i don't like my teacher."_

_"why is that honey?"_

_"my teacher is creepy. he keeps touching me and hugging me and it feels really weird and i don't like it. And today he kept me after school and told me that i was a really special student and i asked him what special meant and he said that it meant i was really good and that he loved me very much. he scares me daddy, i really don't like him."_

_"oh shush honey, mr. fret is daddy's friend and a really good guy. you have such a wild imagination. now go back to bed, it's getting late."_

_"i'm not imagining things daddy! please you have to believe me, he's really scary and i feel weird around him. like a tingling feeling that scares me. i don't want to go to school anymore."_

_"oh shush. time for bed so you don't get sleepy at school. good night honey."_

**to be continued...**


	11. little talks

**an**-one of my nanowrimo goals was to finish this fanfic. so yeah, prepare for lots of updating aha. i'm also in a partly nostalgic lovey mood. prepare for lots of bittersweetness k. i love you guys.

oh and i know this is getting oddly confusing. well for me it is because reading back some chapters there are so many loopholes [i started writing this when i was twelve guys omg. i'm 15 now i forgot a lot okay lol] so just pm me or put in your comments any confusion and i'll try to answer them next chapter.

oh and i'm listening to _glee_ right now and _cameron mitchell_ and i've been obsessed with _of monsters and men_ for quite some time so i titled this after them. the song partly makes sense with carlos' pov.

[i told myself i wouldn't make this author's note be long.

aw darnit]

* * *

**afewdaysago. [carlos]**

_"so you didn't do it?"_

_"i promise i didn't."_

_"do you promise?"_

_"yes i do promise."_

_"because you always loved me right?"_

_"exactly."_

_part of me didn't believe that._

**Logan's POV**

"_Guilty_."

I didn't even have to hear it come out of his mouth to know the outcome of the trial. I was guilty, guilty for something I didn't even do. Guilty of the pain and the trauma that happened to me and yet apparently I was inflicting upon someone else. I was guilty guilty guilty and I could feel the world beneath my feet crumbling underneath me. I wanted to yell. Rip my tie and strangle her, the judge, and just all those people who voted against me and tell them the truth, show them the truth somehow that I wasn't a bad animal, a savage like they all assumed I was. I wasn't a bad person, I wasn't. I was a good boy.

The whole thing flashed through my eyes. Me walking down the street and her grabbing me from behind. I could remember everything from the beginning to start of how she touched me, so many finger prints against my body as her lips crashed against mine and it horrible just horrible I didn't know what to do. I was good though and I didn't do anything and just.

But somehow they couldn't see that and I was standing them, in shock. I wanted to say something, one last plea to hopefully get everyone on my side again. But the words couldn't come out and stayed in my throat taking excess space. I tried to cough it out but that just ended up making me look like I wanted to throw up [which I did].

The judge gave me a weak smile and sighed heavily. I was ready, I was ready to have the men in uniform drag me away and pull me to the depths of jail again where I'd be alone and Corey would be dead and everyone else would hate me and I'd be isolated and alone again.

"Logan Mitchell." the judge announced and I looked up, eyes darted away from his unable to look the man in the eye. I nodded my head and sighed chewing on my bottom lip as he rubbed his chin. He was exiting his high spot over us and walking down the steps to a room. He motioned me over and I looked up at my lawyer who didn't seem too interested in the case in the first place to even care what happened before back to the policeman next to me.

"Go." I heard him hiss as I nodded. He escorted me to the judge and followed me into the room as the Judge sat in a chair on the other side. He cocked his head to the side, sighed heavily and pointed to the TV next to me before back to the chair next to the door.

Part of me was scared. I wasn't exactly sure what was going on but something was happening and part of me didn't know what. Were they going to punish me there? Was the chair secretly electric and I was going to die in front of him. Maybe they were going to beat me to death. Nevertheless I obeyed and sat down telling them both I was paying attention to what they had to say.

The judge sighed, looked over ot the TV and clicked on the play button on the side, "Watch." was his only order and word before the room fell silent and a tape played on the screen. It was dark and grainy and I knew that scene from anywhere. It was the thing that replayed in my head every time I was angry or upset with what happened. It was a scene taken from that night, that horrid night from a high spot I assumed was a camera or something from a store.

Only, it wasn' t like how I imagined it. I was there yeah, and so was she. She was in her car and I was walking. I was drunk. I knew I was drunk. But then I opened the door to her car and I could see her trying to open the door but then close it again. And just, just everything so bad. I was kissing her and she seemed to be frantic, scared almost. And just just just.

That wasn't me. It c-couldn't be me.

"I-I didn't do that. The officer said I did that but s-she told my friends she was out buying stuff a-and I-I don't know." I chewed on my bottom lip remembering the fight I had with Carlos a few days ago, the words spewed against each other about the thing, "The stories t-they don't mix t-they don't. They're all lying! I-I didn't do anything."

"But you did Logan, you did." he sighed before looking back to him, "But based on the course of the even the jury has decided you unfit for sane and has given you two options." he declared as I furrowed an eyebrow unsure to what he meant exactly. My eyes were glued to the screen, "We have given you the option of a mental asylum or jail, your choice." he looked at me in the eye, and I knew where he was leading with this, "I think you'll know which to go to."

"I-" I didn't know. My head hurt. I wanting to yell again and pound the walls. I was drunk but I didn't, I couldn't, I didn't do anything. I couldn't hurt anyone like that. I was gay, I didn't like girls. But, that video was convincing too awfully convincing. And I wasn't sure anymore.

The judge looked at me and placed a hand to my shoulder. I buried my face into my hands and cried. Just cried, my lips getting chewed at and my hands turned into fists soon enough. The judge squeezed my shoulder and rubbed circles around my back, and instead of punching him like I wanted to at the moment I let him do as he wanted needing some comfort, some assurance.

"I'll let you be alone." he whispered before turning around, "Take your time about this, you have all the time in the world."

And after that I felt his hand off my back and the door close. I was alone again, I was alone again with no one there with my mistakes in front of me glaring in my face at how much I messed up. How messed up I am. How much of a horrible person I was.

He told me I had all the time in the world. But in reality I wanted everything to just stop.

**Carlos.**

Logan refused to talk the entire ride home.

We were on the bus, him dressed in his suit and me in a somewhat wrinkled [okay very] dress shirt and jeans. The bus driver asked us if we got married. I laughed and told him not yet before rushing to the back. I tried to ask him what was wrong but he didn't talk, or even look me in the eye.

After the talk with Carolyn I was conflicted. I mean Logan, well I just couldn't believe he would do that. He wouldn't do something like that. He was a good guy, and I knew he was I just knew it. But it had been awhile since we last spoke and well, I didn't know if he changed or not. I didn't know if he was still Logan, the Logan I knew when we were sixteen that made me smile and laugh and giddy inside. The one I could talk on miles on end and just love to be around.

Right now he was cold, he was distant. It was almost as if he didn't care anymore. And I hated to admit but part of me just stopped actually liking Logan as much as I did. I care about him, that was for sure. I would always care about Logan. But the attraction was sort of lost and all I could see in him was, was a lost boy. A boy in his own Neverland never wanting to grow up but having to because of a messy situation. He was lost and no where close to being found and I was trying too hard to find him but now I wanted to give up.

"Carlos," he mouthed before I looked up at him with a small sigh. I furrowed an eyebrow and saw him move his hand towards mine reaching for it to grabbing it. I sighed, opened my mouth to say something, to object, but Logan held it a little tighter and I felt flutters in my stomach. The same flutters from before, "I'll tell you everything when we get home okay."

I nodded trusting him and held his hand, "I promise."

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**i'm sorry this is awful. i wrote it 35 minutes and twelve seconds at 12 in the morning. i have practice tomorrow too, aw shieeet.**

**to be continued...**


	12. everything has changed

**an-**i'm kind of stressed. i really kind of want to never wake up. i dunno, sorry if this is more depressing than usual.

i'm also in a writing rut trying to get back on track. so everything is pretty effing terrible. fair warning, this sucks too. enjoy yourself.

* * *

_"Cause all I know is we said hello_  
_And your eyes look like coming home_  
_All I know is a simple name, everything has changed_  
_All I know is you held the door_  
_You'll be mine and i'll be yours  
__All I know since yesterday is everything has changed."_

**_taylor swift ft. ed sheeran 'everything has changed'_**

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**Logan.**

My fingers laced around the bags at the door. Gustavo had offered to give me a ride to the asylum, a smile to his face as he promise that he'd take care of everything from Carlos and the boys to my own costs he was going to make sure everything was cleared for and taken care of. I thanked him and he told me I had nothing to thank about since he had yet to pay off his debt. I told him he had done enough but he still didn't believe me.

Carlos stopped talking to me. We had a fight, a big fight after the whole bus ride after the trial and he got upset. He yelled at me saying he didn't believe anything I was telling him and I had figured him and Carolyn had been seeing each other more often. He said some things and I said somethings I wish I hadn't said. We just looked at each other and realized that things weren't the same, they were never going to be the same. Those feelings love and commitment and everything, they were existent in only our heads, our minds. Those flutters weren't actual flutters and everything just wasn't as we had thought.

I guess, it's just those times. After you've been apart from someone so long things just are never the same. You look at them hoping to find them as you found them in the first place but see changes. Maybe it's new wrinkles or a haircut, maybe a big personality change or a small one. But things change, they are never constant. I wasn't the same boy who Carlos met when we were four, and I wasn't the same boy he fell in love with when we were sixteen. He wasn't the same boy I fell in love with when we were sixteen either.

I thought I still loved him, in fact I did. I would always love him, no matter what Carlos was there. I couldn't think of anyone else I'd rather not be with, rather not love. I wanted to be with him all the time, whether we were sitting around talking or just doing absolutely nothing but staring at each other. I wanted him, I would have missed him. And though he didn't want anything to do with me, I would always want him.

With a soft sigh I pursed my lips together and waited. I said goodbye to Katie two days before and she uttered the first sentence I've heard her say straight to me, "You're not a bad person." she had said, and despite not knowing the relevance of it to the situation I accepted her goodbye and told Katie I would miss her.

Kendall and James said goodbye, James hugging me and telling me to stay calm and take my meds and Kendall saying the same with a little more advice. He told me to not let anything bring me down as I already got this far I could pull it through a little longer, enough to show the world I was a monster or insane or crazy or anything. But I just had to be smart and not put myself in situations that could be twisted or places that I could be caught doing something bad. I promised that I'd be okay, he kissed my forehead and promised to take care of Carlos and I thanked him.

The car should have been coming shortly. It was December, winter time though in California it was more like summer. The sun beat against my neck and the wind blew through my hair. Christmas decorations lit up the once dark neighborhood and people who usually would be trying to kill each other were trying as hard as they could not to. I sat down onto the ground and picked at my shirt fumbling with the rest of my things.

"I guess, this is it." I muttered sighing heavily. Just a few more months of this hell and I'd be gone, I'd be free. I'll be able to go outside without being scared and I'll be with Carlos without having the police on my trail. I'll be able to maybe get a job and just, just be free. Be okay. Maybe not happy, maybe not have everything perfect. But I'd be okay, which was enough to satisfy me.

Everything at some point was going to change. But it was going to be okay. It just had to be at some point. It just had to be okay okay okay.

**Carlos.**

I can't breathe.

Someone has something covering my voice, it's too soft and I can't breathe dear lord I can't fucking breathe.

My arms are flailing and I'm screaming, screaming and yelling and begging for air. I want to breathe, I need to breathe and yet I can't. Hands grip my wrists and pin them to the bottom and I'm screaming behind the pillow [?] I assumed it was. I scream even though I know people can't help me. I need someone to save me, anyone. I need someone to get me help and let me know I will be okay.

I feel an aching pain my chest before I leave and I can see crimson dear lord so much red, so so much red. I feel it ringing even more, stab stab stab. I can't breathe still and the pain is stinging so hard I start crying. I'm gasping, I'm gasping for every breath I can obtain. The pain is still there and it's aching horribly. I want to die, I feel like I'm going to die. My mind blurs around the edges and I can't think straight. Things are distorted and I can hear this or that and I can't all at once.

Dear lord what in god's name is going on.

I hear laughter, that's the last thing I hear as a hand clutches mine, a delicate hand that doesn't belong to a guy's. I'm trying to remember where I am, where I last was. Anything to help me figure what was happening to me.

Dear lord another stab.

I think I'm bleeding.

I was at Carolyn's house before this all happened.

"Die, die, die!"

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**To be continued...**


	13. flashback i

**an- **the next few chapters will be flashbacks & be pretty short since this story is slowly coming to an end guys & i think y'all should have some back story all.

**Carlos.**

I held him close to me, fingers at his back and patting it, rubbing circles. I kissed his forehead, promises that things would be okay and that everything would be all right came from my mouth even though I knew I shouldn't have said them. My mom always told me lying wasn't the way to deal with things, but I just needed him to stop crying.

"They're way too big, the monsters. All of them." he kept mumbling and I shook my head telling him he was hallucinating or some kind of weird thing. We were fourteen and some kid decided to touch Logan's shoulder and ask him for a pencil while we were talking in the halls. And somehow, somehow he just started screaming and yelling and I had to drag him into the guys bathroom to get him to calm down.

This wasn't the first time something like this happened to him, to us. Days lingered where Logan would cry randomly in classrooms, whimper in the middle of class, and cry at scenes in stories in English class that the rest of us would just shrug off. And usually the teachers would deal with him, get him to somehow stop crying or call or mom or dad to pick him up. But once we reached high school people stopped caring about all those little things.

He held onto my neck, his hands on my chest as he kept crying. I asked him to describe the monsters and he just shook his head, eyes filled with tears, saying he couldn't, he couldn't. He didn't want to see them anymore, he didn't want to think of their faces or their voice, the way they laughed. He kept mentioning the way they laughed, a loud hysteria raging over Logan whenever that laugh came into his mind.

I hugged him some more, cradling him. People walked into the bathroom and out when they saw us, eyes wide and ready to gossip to God knows who about the two boys cuddling each other or the crazy guy crying for some reandom reason.

"Just tell me what it looks like," I whispered,, "Just tell me anything."

"My dad." Logan replied, "It looks exactly like my dad."


	14. flasback ii

**Logan [9].**

"I keep seeing things, monsters. Sometimes they're nice, sometimes they give me things too. Sometimes they give me things like hugs and kisses or bake me cookies and give me presents. They tell me that they love me and I know they love me. [how do you know that?] I know because they always tell me that they love me. Over and over actually, with the same lip stick stained lips and pearly toothed smiles they keep telling me that they love me and they'd never hurt me [did they hurt you?] Oh no no they never did, they never hurt me. Why would they hurt me if they love me? People don't ever hurt the people they love, people shouldn't hurt anyone actually. Maybe if people stopped hurting the people things would be a better place don't you think? But they never hurt me, never ever ever. I promise, no I'm not lying I promise I said. I don't break a promise ever in my life, they were good people him and her, especially him. He didn't ever lay a hand on me."

**Logan [14].**

"Okay he never laid a hand on me, like ever. But maybe to my mom he did, he was a bit crazy, a bit crazy sometimes. Sometimes he'd forget doing something and act like a totally different person. I-I don't know, it was kind of scary sometimes but I learned to ignore it you know? Because he was my dad and I loved him. And he loved me. He used to take me places, he taught me to make beats when I was 12 and how to play hockey. But my mom kind of got scared I guess? I would be too. Sometimes he got really scary but I just didn't know how to respond I guess, am I horrible person for not saying anything?" [do you think you're a horrible person?]

"To be honest, all the time. I mean, aren't I?


End file.
